I'm trying

Something has clicked, far far away a pin fell to the ground and I heard the sound of it, far in the distance.
Where before I just sat and worked all day and ate whatever my hands and/or eyes fell upon, lately I have been standing up and walking around, and doing some body weight exercises, and I've been a bit 'choosier' with my food.
Yep, the flame is there, even if it only just a small flicker, it is there.
I'm going to keep trying, I know I will gain momentum. One day is one day. It will never be over. I'm never throwing in the towel. I will take it one day at a time, I will keep getting up each time I fall. I will keep trying.

I must

My grandmother passed away in April and we laid her to rest on May 2nd. She was always overweight, as long as I've known her anyway. Eventually she developed hypertension and diabetes, and it was complications to do with them that took her. What I always admired about her was how she controlled her eating. She abstained from so much; she didn't drink tea or coffee, except for herbal teas, her food was cooked without oil or fat, salt and she didn't take sugar. So, there was absolutely no junk in her food. She avoided red meat and ate only chicken and fish. She'd made so many sacrifices and I'm quite sure that if she had just kept eating anyhow, she would've left us long before she did.


I was one of the speakers at her funeral, representing the grandkids. After talking about her, I made an announcement that I was going to adopt her healthy eating lifestyle, in front of a huge huge crowd of family, friends, and even strangers (to me). So, having made such a public pronouncement, I must live up to it.


I must. Something has got to give!

One day

Always, one day is one day. I know it. I feel it in my blood. Something will click. The procrastination will fall off. My spirit will respond to 2 Samuel 3:18 - Now then do it!


One day. This lifetime.

What will it take?

This is the grand question...why do I want to lose weight???
What motivates me to even want to lose weight?
Why haven't I lost weight already?
What would be enough motivation to make me get serious about weight loss?


There are so many, so many reasons why I should want to lose weight. Why I should be losing weight. Why I should be working harder on weight loss. Why I should have already lost weight.
From very serious reasons to plain vanity, but I'm still not motivated enough to lose this mentality of starting again tomorrow, on Monday, or just not today or right now.


What will it take??? When will that be?


I found myself bargaining with myself the other day, that if by the year I turn 40, which is quite near actually, if I haven't lost weight, then I will get some form of bariatric surgery. This just shows how much or rather how little to no motivation I have to lose weight right now.


Though my heart of hearts wants it so much...


This life.

Oh time...

Oh time...how you fly! A whole third of 2015 has gone by already. This bothers me a lot. It bothers me almost as much as the fact that instead of losing weight as is my intention, I have actually gained weight in 2015.


I feel stuck. I was making good progress in February, but then my trainer started skipping appointments until I decided to part ways with him. Then my travelling (for work) intensified and I didn't have a plan for working out while travelling yet. And then I just stopped going to gym completely. And then I started eating anything, anyhow...


I long for the day I will be able to sustain a program. But looking at old blogs, almost everyone gains back the weight at some point. How discouraging. At this moment I don't feel any motivation to claim that I could escape being part of the statistics. I do not want to lie. I just feel like giving up. But there's still that spark of hope within me. I watch tv shows about people losing weight by giving up whole summers to focus on weight loss alone, I watch shows about bariatric surgery, etc. I wish I could just take one of these routes.
I even went as far as researching the prices for bariatric surgery. And it turns out I can afford it. But do I really want to go that route? Can I handle the restriction? In my heart of hearts I know I wouldn't be able to deal my whole life. If I could do it, lose weight and then reverse the procedure, I would likely jump at the chance. Then there's the issue of loose skin...that'll mean I need further surgery after weight loss. Am I willing to face the loose skin in the first place? And then, the cost of the surgery...


So, to be honest, I am here, with hope in my heart.  But seemingly not enough motivation to get going. I know what to do, but I just can't do it. I'm tired of self-blame, I'm also tired of being tired. I wish I could just check into a fat camp for a year.

5 February 2015

It is the 5th of Feb 2015!! Already. How sobering...now if only that feeling could stay with me long enough to make a difference in me :(

I am regretful of the fact that I didn't post anything since Jan 15th, but atleast I had thoughts to do it the whole time. I spend most days working on the computer and do read some blogs, but for some reason putting up new posts doesn't make it to the top of my priority list often.

Anyway, here's an update...

Weighing in
I had planned to weigh in weekly here, but I've decided not to yet. My weight fluctuates madly from day to day. I think the foods I eat are to blame for water retention, etc, that cause me to weigh more on some days. So, my plan is to wait until I see a more stable curve to the weigh ins before posting. My daily weigh ins sometimes have 2 -4 pounds differences, I never know which to trust.

Working out
Yes! One area that I can celebrate!! I've never been one to shy away from exercise, but over the past couple of years I didn't the motivation to exercise like before, whoch is the main reason for the major weight gain that happened. I don't believe my eating changed much, so I can only blame not exercising for the gains.
My personal trainer has been working me haaaarrrddd!! I'm so glad for the investment and don't regret the money spent one bit. I work out multiple times that I would ever do on my own. So I will be keeping him for as long as possible. I also like the fact that there's a plan to follow rather than me rocking up to the gym and just jumping on the treadmill, cycle. elliptical and weight machines without a structured plan.

Food
This is where my biggest struggle has always been and where it is still. Here's the thing...there are soooo many plans to follow out there!! And I find myself floundering between them. Somebody needs to make up my mind for me. I think if I had a chef and he just delivered the right meal for me at meal time I would fare well. I've thought to fast intermittently, to eat low fat, low carb, low calories, high fat low carb, metabolistic, etc.
I know ultimately I have to plan something I can sustain long term, but I am still struggling...that's all I can share right now.

Buying torture - personal trainer

So I've hired a personal trainer. We started working together this Monday and am I ever glad I finally took this step...At some point I convinced myself that I can pick a workout program off of the internet and follow it by myself, so I don't exactly need a personal trainer. But now I know what a huge difference a personal trainer makes --- I have worked this week more than I ever have before in my life! I'm quite sure that my workouts have been more than twice as hard as I've done by myself. So, that was a very good move that I will not soon go back on.

The plan is to workout Monday through Saturday for at least 1 hour in the morning. And coupled with the meal plan he supplied me with, which I intend to follow as closely as possible, I'm quite sure that 'results will follow'!

I decided to forgo Tonys' dietbet and instead put the money towards personal training. I'm more sure of results through personal training than through Dietbet, so for now I won't be dietbetting, except if perhaps there was a local group doing some variation of it.

I also intend to start weighing in on the blog. I do weigh in everyday, I have been for the past several years, not that it has been helpful. So, I will weigh in once a week and from time to time post progress pictures. Yes, progress pictures because I will make progress!

Dietbet??

It's January 7th and I have yet to sit myself down and set myself fitness goals. I really do want to lose weight this year and know that without set goals for activities and diet I will not be losing any weight.

I've been tossing different ideas around, such as talking to some ladies about starting a fitness group, going back on Sparkpeople, etc. Just something to get me some mojo. The current winning idea, which I can still do along with others is to join a Dietbet. I have been on Dietbet before and actually won, before rejoining and losing all my previous winnings. So, I know with the right mindset it is a great tool to push weight loss goals.

So far, I am eyeing Tony's Dietbet which starts tomorrow, January 8th. Actually, I'm deciding right now that I will do it. So, yes, Dietbet!

Still considering a group though...

Jan 1st, 2015...Dare I try again??

Here's the thing...no goals =  no failure. Shameful really. But after so many trials and failures, that is how I feel. Eeven with the new year signalling new beginnings and a chance to try again, I just feel so afraid of yet another failure, another crash.

Yet, I will try again. I can not promise to recommit fully to blogging about this new experience, or to giving any details to what I am doing. But I do know I will periodically come on here to decompress or something like that. I may blog often, I may not, and it is all ok.

Bottom line, the spark is still there. The desire is there. I ask for God's help and guidance through 2015. I pray for myself, for success, even if it is limited. I wish I was more fired up, but this is enough...

Here's to 2015 and new hopes!

Almost 2015

There are exactly 11 days between today and Jan 1st, 2015. Not that I'm waiting for Jan 1st. Just saying ;)

Always on my mind

I'm convinced that no matter where I am or what I'm doing, I'm always thinking about my size for one reason or other. Most of the I like to think to think that I am comfortable with my size, as in I accept it for what it is, though I do want to get smaller. However, time and time again I find myself worrying about what people think when we pass each other, or when they walk behind me, especially when they walk behind me.

I try to dress in ways that I know are okay for my body, and I like to feel good in my clothes. But sometimes  I fail, and it is on those days that I am most conscious of the fact that I am not 'normal' and that people have a reason to think of me in ways other than normal. And on those days I find my spirit being low, I find myself feeling a bit sad and melancholy...:(

However, I always think of the fact that in my opinion, I have a great body. It may be huge, but I actually have a nice shape. It's not what it used to, some places (e.g. my tummy) don't look as great as pre-baby, but I know I still have a nice shape. Add the fact that I know that if I lost weight I would have a smoking body, and I'm back on top! So yeah, my own bit of therapy, positive thoughts!

What do you do to turn things around when you're not feelings so good due to your weights issues?

She's just not that into it...

Blogging. It seems I'm just not that into it anymore. I used to be excited to share what was going on with my life and could post a new blog a few times a week. Well, not anymore, it appears. I do think about blogging often, but the feeling is never enough to make me drop what I'm doing and do it right then. And then the next time I remember to I'm engaged in something else I can't stop doing immediately...

So, having admitted to that, my blog posts will be sporadic; I will blog when I can or when I feel like it. I can't promise any more than that.

However, that does not mean the purpose of the blog has been abandoned. I am continuing to make the best choices everday and trying to be intentional about every choice I make. I know I don't always win the little battles, but I have found a bit more focus than I have in quite a while. So perhaps soon I will find enough motivation to make enough of a difference to make me want to blog more.

Till then, I will be reading other blogs and hoping to grab myself a bit of motivation from there.

I try...sometimes I fall

I can safely say my cold/cough has finally cleared out and I'm ready to start 'treadmilling' again. I haven't been doing anything for exercise for about 3 weeks now :(

Foodwise, I've been trying. Like literally trying, because I do not have a set plan, just an idea of what I want to achieve which I loosely stick to and am easily diverted from due to lack of a more strict plan. Which is why I sometimes fail. I have found myself in teh middle of a meal that should have been a no no, either because of content or amount. Totally wrong food or a second serving.

So, I need to sit with myself and decide exactly how I will eat, what, when and how much. This has been the biggest problem for me my whole life. I just have never been able to stick to a plan. The longest ever was 2 weeks, and during that 2 weeks I saw changes that could have multiplied and brought a real change had I followed through for longer, but alas...

So, yeah, no reason not to workout anymore, and to make and stick to that plan...

Looking forward to July

We're so quickly coming to the end of June, meaning we're almost half-way through 2014! I can't wrap my head around time seems to be flying so speedily now, is it because I'm getting old and literally running out of time? And to think I am right around the half-way point of my life...I pray that I get to live longer than twice my age.

Anyway, I still have a cough lingering from a terrible cold that had me bed-ridden for 3 days last week. So, I haven't set foot on the treadmill or done any other kind of exercise for over a week now. The eating hasn't been much better either. I had gne back to eating anything handy without making much effort to be selective, but I intend to get back on track this week. exercise will start when chest has cleared some more though, because I have some shortness of breath that I suppose is attributable to the cold/cough thing.

I hope having had that cold I'm home-free for the rest of this winter. I would like to be able to make and stick to plans next month, so I'm looking forward to a healthy July. However, I'm not waiting till then to make better choices, that will happen everyday, God willing.

Unbelievable but...

Early this week I saw a number on the scale that I had never ever in my craziest most exaggerated dreams thought I would ever see. It scared me, and finally, after 'planning to' for ages, I have taken action. I have started walking on my treadmill and watching my food intake, now I just have to keep going.

 

It's actually really sad how I have watched myself gain pound after pound while telling myself that I will start working out and eating properly 'on Monday' or on 'the 1st'. Food is my worst enemy, but over the past years, even if I couldn't control my food intake, I would work out, so even if I didn't lose much or at all, at least I stayed the same or gained very little.

 

However, over the past year plus, I stopped exercising altogether, and ate everything in whatever amount I felt like. Shockingly, in all this time, I weighed myself every single day and recorded the weight, so I was aware of the damage. I couldn't even deny what I was seeing on the mirror, both dressed and undressed.

 

So, finally I have decided that it is time to stop killing myself. Open back the blog and start saying something. Perhaps this one tool can contribute to help me stay consistent...fingers crossed.