OMG, nothing fits!!

Ok, maybe not nothing, but it's definitely notable. This morning was a total disaster! You know how when seasons change you start having trouble with what to wear and may even have to go shopping for a new wardrobe? That's usually just because you haven't been wearing the clothes for the different weather and now it's like relearning your clothes and having to create new outfits out of your wardrobe all over again.

But no, not for me. For work it's really easy, I have a few skirts that I rotate with several tops, so it's not that difficult identifying outfit for warmer weather now that it's warming up. So I was all excited this morning to dive in a pick that top with that skirt. Only to find......nope, it doesn't look nearly as ok as it used to! Oh no. So I tried on another combination - same story. And another, and another!

My winter clothes have been hiding stuff that has nowhere to hide now that it's warm! But I refuse to go shopping becuase I do not have the budget for all the clothes I would need to buy. I'll have to do something to ensure that I have stuff to wear this spring/summer. So, It's on. Seriously, it is; I know I've said that a lot in the past and having nothing to show...but I really am going to make sure that I can comfortably put on my clothes and walk out of the house.

Self discipline

"Do what you should do, when you should do it, whether you like it or not" - Thomas Huxley.

I see that as the perfect definition of self discipline. What it communicates to me is that life should have no excuses. Just do what should be done at the the time it should be done, period. If only it was that easy. I truly believe all my life's problems, or at least the root of most of my life's problems stems from my low level of self discipline. I can't eat only as much as I need to sustain good health, I can't work out as often or as much as I need to to attain a desirable state of health - if I'm going to focus on the topics for this blog only, otherwise I could go on and on, for example, I don't stay out of the store when I don't have a spending budget, so I spend money I should be saving...

Anyway, going back to the quote, I was on a liquid diet the last time I posted. I had intended to stay on it until today, I think that made 4 eeks, and I should be seeing a huge difference by now. But me being me, no self discipline at all, I parted with it 2 weeks ago, only 2 weeks in, so though I was fortunate to have attained a small loss that I have sustained up to now, I could have done much better.

But knowing all this, especially admitting to myself that 'most of my life's problems - big and small alike - stem from a lack of discipline,' why can't I make myself 'just do it', whatever it is at the time? I suppose the answer becomes the same, self discipline. I don't know if it's something I can overcome on my own, looking at how long I have been 'playing this game'. I've tried diet after diet, and tried gym after gym, different work outs, at home, and the only reason I haven't seen success or even any amount of progress is that I severely lack self-discipline. I can not commit to anything for any length of time for the same reason.

I think it's time I sought help in that regard. I am going to commit to this one. For once I'll be disciplined enough to seek help when I need it.

Liquid is hard

I'm not in a blogging frame of mind, but I want to blog...is that contradictory? Anyways, I've been on the liquid diet for just over a week now. Wow, it is hard. Hard. And it has made me realized that my relationship with food is way beyond hunger issues. I can drink, and drink and have a full stomach, yet I would crave food, any food. I would want to bite on something and chew it. So, this is going to be a real challenge, but one that I'm ready to face head on.
I'm hoping for weight loss, which I've seen a little of so far. But I may not get the results I hope for, but still I'm hopeful. It's difficult to stick to just fluids, so I've snuck in some soft solids. I'm trying to work on that as much as possible. But mostly, it's the calories I'm worried about. It would be very disappointing to not get results after going through this, because really, why not just eat anything if I'm going to stay the same. I wish that question would pop up each time I'm tempted to go over the limit for anything.
Well, that was really condensed, but that's how I'm feeling. And it's just me anyways.

I miss you

All thsi time that I've been away, not only have I not been posting on my blog, but I haven't been reading other blogs either. I miss it, I miss you my blog friends. I miss knowing what's going on in your worlds. Even those that are not even aware that I read your blogs, I miss you.

Hopefully one day I'll get internet at home, then I may be abel to read on a regular interval again. And get motivated again.

About me - I did the deed. I've started a liquid diet, and right now it's on a trial basis - like I'm not sure how long I plan to stay on it, and I'm still trying out different things to see what I like to drink that is also healthy.

Oh, by the way, I haven't been going to gym, been too busy on the business front, but things have slowed down and I should be able to go back now. However, I still want to get used to the liquid diet before I add gym back. I may possibly start my morning walks in the next week before I take the exercise to the gym. I realise that I need lots fo resistance training though if I'm going to lose weight on the liquid diet, because I need to firm up as I lose weight. I wouldn't want the effects of a liquid diet without exercise.better start as soon as tomorrow morning then.

That's that for now.

She lives...

Indeed I'm alive. I know I said I can't keep up with a regular updating schedule, but I didn't mean I'll be posting just once a month. I need to keep this blog alive and post on a semi-regular frequency so that I can be able to look back one day and put the pieces together and be able to get an idea of what was going on in my life, especially with regards to the weight business.

On that note, since I have been away from the blog I haven't been good to myself, at all. Shocker, right? Even to me. I saw this quote somewhere- The state of your life is a reflection of the state of your mind. It really resonated with me, I look at myself and I think I am this way because I am not able to control my mind. My emotions drive me, and that is reflected all around me. I've been trying get myself and things in order, and I'm succeeding in some ways but not others.

By the way, I've officially launched my cake business. Finally. I love baking and decorating cakes. Unfortunately I also like eating cake. So, while I need the extra income, I do not need the effects this business may have on my health if I am not careful. So I haev decided to go drastic at least for this month. I'm going to stop eating cake, or anything for that matter - if I don't chicken out anyway. If all goes according to plan, tomorrow (or sometime this week) I'm starting a liquid diet. I HAVE TO. Hopefully when I've reached a weight I feel comfortable at, not that I'm not saying when I have lost .... pounds or kgs, or even when I'm thin, when I've reached a comfortable weight, I hope I may care enough to not indulge myself willy-nilly. As it is, at this appears the mindset is something along the lives of 'what's an extra kg, it won't show'...and that has got to stop. That's the motivation for going liquid-diet drastic.

In a nut-shell, that's enough to tell the state of affairs at this point...

I give up

I just have no option but to give up on the secret dream to update the blog on a regular basis, so I'll just blog when and as I can, or when I feel up to it.

So, see ya!

By the way, I'm doing ok, rocking the maintenance - which of course is not what I want - but at least I'm not going in the wrong direction. Hopefully my next post will be way more positive than that.

Now, really, see you later!

Today I go back

It's been more than a week since I've done any form of organized exercise. The whole of last week, right from the weekend prior till this past Saturday I was down with a monster cold that brought on the most horrible sore throat I've ever experienced. Possibly more along the lines of tonsilitis. So, needless to say, I decided to just take some time off to rest and fully recover before stressing my body any further.

Anyway, I am now almost fully mended up. And I'm raring to go. So this evening will see me in the gym again after that bit of a hiatus. I'm really hoping it won't kill me as much as I expect it to. Then tomorrow I take to the circuit around our campus for my morning walk, chilly as I know it will be. Realistically, I can only do the walks in the morning so I'll brave the sub-zero temperatures to get in the exercise. It keeps me sane. Then evening it's gym. The plan was gym everyday and walk 3 times, but I was actually doing both everyday before, so I'll see how it goes this time around.

Food for thought
Oh, quite random, but a couple of weeks ago a lady came up to me in the gym and told me she thinks I'm doing great, ya da yada, and then she says 'If anybody says you go to gym all the time but you're not losing ya da ya da yada....'. Isn't that some sort of back-handed compliment? So I didn't even say anything back. But it just got me thinking...I'm doing well at the gym. I'm doing well for myself. I put in that effort, and it just so happens that weight loss does not happen overnight. Going to gym for a few weeks will not have me dramatically losing dress sizes for all to see. No, it won't. It will take time, and I understand that, so I do not sweat that I haven't lost tons and tons.
Granted I could probably have lost more if I did more exercise and watched my food more carefully, but you know what...what works for me now works for me now. In future I may be able to do more and see better results. Right now, I am seeing changes, enough changes to know this is working. And mostly, if I'm not losing yet working for it, it means if I wasn't doing anything I would be gaining, right? So there, it's not all for nothing, and I'll keep coming to gym. If you can't say anything plain positive, just shut up, it's not like I asked you to say anything. Hell, I don't even know you!

Been sick

I've been so sick since last weekend that I haven't done a single work out all week. I haven't taken a single walk, nor have I stepped foot in gym. It just couldn't happen, no matter how much I wished it could happen. I haven't been in this kind of pain in a long time, but things are looking up at the moment, hopefully I'm on the road to full recovery and can resume life as I want!

Till then, watch this space...

Third world woes

I live in a great country. We have our pitfalls, but life definitely is better here than in many other parts of the world. And I am really proud to call this place home.
But, I've also lived in the first world (the west?). Having lived in the US and the UK, it is easy to see the deficiencies in our systems. Everything is just a bit more (if not a lot) difficult to come by. Of course it is easier to eat organic here, but everything else....no.
Now, in relation to healthy living, or weight loss to be specific, it is that much harder. Or may be I'm just making excuses. Let me give a couple of examples...

• My right foot has been having some weird pain, but I know going to see the doctor will not be of any help, so I just hobble along.
• Where is my HRM? What is that? lol.
• I need to buy some fresh vegetables - but they cost a LOT. A mere head of lettuce these days cost so much I just have to go without.
• Gym options - close to none, seriously. Only 1 24hr gym in this whole city.
• Therapy - lol.
• Personal trainer - lol.

To mention just a few issues. I try. I really do. I know I can do better and I can lose weight, but my environment doesn't help. I'll just have to help myself.

This is for myself, and for my son...

I think I should print this post I wrote about 2 years ago and read it each time I'm going through a tough time...

"Anywho. Still struggling with this. It's getting harder and harder, and I realise this is because I am not pleased with the rate at which things are happenning. I look at myself on the mirror many many times, and wish things looked different. The thing is, I always ask myself when did this happen? OK, as the story has been told over and over by me, I've been a big girl sincc my early teens, but tolerable big, to me anyway. But now all of a sudden after I had my baby things just spiralled out of control, I didn't see it happen, the moment when I should have told myself I need to stop didn't occur until it was really late. Of course I do recall a lot of the times that I overindulged in all the terrible things, and how can I forget not being active at all? But still, why couldn't the weight gain come such that I could stop before I got here? It's like I gained overnight, it's really weird.

 Right now I don't want much. All I want is to go back to my pre-pregnancy weight. I was much happier then. I was healthier. I could run and run on the treadmill. I could do the elliptical without being winded too quickly. Stairs were not an issue, of course not too many flights. But now it's a whole other issue. I wish it was easy to commit to a food plan, to an exercise plan, to not feel like giving up. Giving up seems like the easiest option, sometimes even the best option. But what about not feeling so good, what about the shame, excuses, terrible fitting clothes, sitting out of activities, etc. That hurts, so I do not want to give up. It crops up in my mind a lot, but it really is not an option for me right now. I want to be healthy. I want to be a star mom to my son. And he's growing up so quickly. Soon he'll able to understand fat and thin, and I do not want him growing up unhealthy because that's what he learned from his mother.



So here I am. Sad. That it's so hard. Yet willing to do the work. I think I'm lazy by nature, but I'm really willing to work a bit harder for this. I think I'm messed up too. My relationship with food is something I've thought about a lot, something my control over wavered from great to none through time. I'm working on this too. These days I stop before taking a piece of bread to eat the minute I get home before dinner, *before grabbing a banana before breakfast, before drinking milk or juice just because I want to. I hope this sticks, at least until my mind really knows that's what should happen each time.

 I need help. Divine help. I pray for help with this matter. It really is beyond me. So I leave it all up to the Lord, because He has plans for me. But also, I know He helps those who help themselves, so I'll still try. Knowing he'll give me all the tools I need to deal with this. Faith. Faith. Faith. This I have in abundance. And I know, with God, nothing is impossible.
This is for myself, and for my son."

*Edited to remove a portion that was duplicated during the 'cut&paste'... June 13,2011

I went and I loved it!

Despite this nasty cold (well, it's a bit better now), I dragged myself to the gym yesterday but arrived a few minutes late. I found the CURVES CIRCUIT WITH ZUMBA FITNESS class already in session, so I jumped right in.

The instructor was the spunky girl who could really shake it. F.I.T chick. Like a level I don't even expect to ever reach if I worked out for 12 hours a day! Anyway, me being my normally coordinated self, it was quite easy to follow the steps. However, when she moved it up a notch to double time things got a little difficult, but nothing I couldn't handle after a few seconds.

The Verdict: I LOVED IT! Obviously  it's more fun to do dance steps than some knee slappers or such during recovery . And I love to dance, so I'm totally sold. Now we just have to wait and see how the gym intends to incorporate it into our circuit - will we have to improvise from what the lady showed us, or will there be someone in the middle leading us?? We'll have to wait and see, I guess.

Looking forward to it - it's so much more of a work out and I sweating loads more yesterday. So, It's a great way to shake thinsg up and hopefully there'll be some benefits to it more than having fun, you know, like weight loss?

Curves with Zumba! But I'm sick...

Our Curves is introducing Curves with Zumba this month; they had demonstrations last week, then this week they're running classes for members. I signed up for this afternoon/evening after work - but I'm sick with the most terrible cold!

I've been looking forward to this ever since I found out. I've heard great things about Zumba, and I love dancing, so I knew/know I'll enjoy Curves with Zumba. So, what do I do?? I think I'm just going to drag my sick self to the gym and if I feel too poorly then I'll just watch. There's no way I'm missing the opportunity to watch people who know what they're doing do it and have to learn from amateurs like myself.

So, when I get home today I'm changing into my gym clothes and heading to the gym. What happens once I'm there will depend on how I feel. But knowing me, if I'm not dying I'll be up there dancing it up. So, send positive thoughts this way, please!

Other than that, because of poor weather here, and this cold I missed my walk this morning. At least I get to go to gym today, otherwise I'll force myself onto the treadmill or mini-stepper later on.

Here's to determination!

Sleep or exercise, what's more important?

If you went to bed later than usual, but you have a walk scheduled for the next morning, what do you? Do you sleep an extra hour to make up for the late night or do you go out for the walk anyway?

I GOT UP AND WENT WALKING! For an hour. At 5.30 am. On a Saturday morning! Thankfully, somehow, I manahed to stay alert all day and the effects of my too little sleep didn't take a toll on me much. I'm getting used to this routine, too bad it's winter and the mornings are getting darker and darker. But it's already so ingrained in me that if I happen to lose a few minutes in the morning I'd rather go out for 15 minutes than not at all. This morning was really dark because of clouds, so I decided to take the walk inside. Oh, treadmill, you're so not my friend. But at least I have that convenience, I don't get to lose a walk if it's raining or whatever.

I missed gym yesterday because yet again someone I know died and I went to visit with the family. I'm hoping to make it today. But if I don't I'm not too worried because I got my walk in this morning.

Saturday is the 4K, but it looks like I might have to miss it for the funeral. I'm shattered because I've been looking forward to it all year. We don't get these planned events much around here. You could hear of a sponsored walk or such, but it's not the same. If I really have to miss it I will, but I'll continue with the training anyway. I'm really hoping that the funeral is on Sunday so that I can go on this trip. More than the 4K it's an outing for us, bonding time outside of the hassles of daily life, so may be if the funeral is on Saturday, we'll still go hang out afterwards and go back home on Sunday as was the plan.
Oh well.

I won't talk about food. That's all.

I'm on it

Why is blogging hard?
Actually I don't think blogging is hard at all. I just overthink it. The question most probaly would be answered by the response to 'why do I blog?'
It's weird because I feel compelled to blog. I love it, yet I hate it. I want to do it often, but I can't for all sorts of reasons. Time and content being the 2 top reasons.

Anyway, I'm alive, I'm ok. More so than I've been in the recent past. Guess what? I finally have NORMAL BLOOD PRESSURE! I always had normal blood pressure, until I was pregnant and then it wouldn't go back down. But since I've been very consistent with workling out for the past 2 and half months I now have normal blood pressure again!!! And I plan to keep it that way.

I've lost only a little weight, very little, despite all the working out. Yep, that monster, food, is still playing a big role in that. I pray for the day I will be able to avoid temptations and eat clean for days and weeks in a row. It's not easy for me.

BUT, I see a huge difference in my body. It is happening. The weight is shifting and I'm sure I'm gaining some muscle too. This will only continue to get better and better.

I'm committing myself to try harder this month. I'm keeping up with the work outs with double work outs a few days a week even past the 4K on the 11th. I'm going to deal with the food issue the best I can considering the circumstances. But believe me when I say I will be better at the end of this month than I am today.

 I'm on it.

The physical part is in the bag

The plan is to move as much as possible and eat sensibly; apparently that is the best formula to a healthy weight. So, that's what I've been striving for.

So an update
About 2 months ago I joined Curves, and have been going very well, except when I absolutely couldn't. The week it was just me and my son at home I went drastic and went to Curves at lunch since I couldn't go in morning or after work. That's how committed I am. Yesterday was another of those days where it was just impossible to go and I was ready to move mountains so I could. Sadly I couldn't go, but I made sure I did some moves at home to at least do something, you know.

Since I registered for a fun walk during a marathon next month, I've decided to add in walk/jog/slog sessions to prepare for that. So lately I've been getting up early and walking rather than going to Curves first thing, then I would hit Curves after work. The plan is to have a minimum of 9 work outs a week, that is 6 Curves sessions and walking on 3 days, or if I miss Curves like I did yesterday, I make up for it with a walk.

So, who's to dispute that the physical part of the weight loss equation has been bagged in these parts??! Not me, coz I know I'm rocking it!

The food/eating side is a work in progress. One day I'll master it too, one day that I'm looking forward to.