Loving aerobics

I have been going to aerobics, yes, the same boot camp-like aerobics that had me sore for a week the first time I went. And I've been enjoying it so immensely that I was really bummed when I couldn't go yesterday. I'm really glad that I've been going regularly because I can feel that I'm gaining strength and becoming fitter and fitter. Annnnndd, there are other benefits...the number on the scale is going down! Ok, I don't see any changes on the mirror yet, but I know something is happening, and it's only a matter of time and consistency and I'll have wonderful results to be proud of.

So yeah, I'm going to keep going!

Other than that, I think I'm on the right track. I want to celebrate my birth month differently this year. In my family, birthdays mean a celebration with lots of food and cake. I'm still going to have a cake, I make it myself anyway, but I will not be going all out like I usually would, and even the braai will have to just be like a normal meal, no more overindulging. Some may be bummed, but it's my choice to make, for my own good.

By the way, I started reading Women, Food and God. I'm only a few pages in, but somehow I can tell that it's going to change the way I think about myself...scary stuff I think.

It's been a rough year

2011 has been an extremely difficult year. It has gone nothing like I planned, because the year's events have been devastatingly draining, emotionally, but also financially. I have had to give up a lot, and just accepted that things will get better as it progressed.

I have to admit though, amidst all that, I was always 'present in the moment'. All year through I have been thinking about my weight loss journey (that is not happening). I have been trying and giving up on a lot of things. It has been a rollercoaster of a year, and as much as I know that blaming the events is tantamount to giving excuses, I accept that they did contribute some to my lack of progress and I wasn't strong enough to be wiser about it.

I'm tempted to list all that I tried this year, but I'll leave it for the year round-up post. It makes me sad to think about all of and would make this an even more emotional post for me.

One thing I have done obsessively though: I've weighed myself and recorded the weight every single day I woke up from my own bed this year. So I have almost a year's worth of daily weigh ins to tell the story of how the year have gone for my 'non'-weight loss.

I decided to study the data. There are so many ups and downs it's sad. I sat with it and linked the events of the year to the weight fluctuations and there was definite correlation. Every death in family showed me gaining and gaining, the easier periods had me losing some, but then I'd go up again.

So now I'm praying that the rest of the year stay calm, as calm as it can be amidst the holiday season. And I'm praying for a great 2012. I feel tired, emotionally. I am motivated to forge on with my weight loss journey but sometimes the my emotional weight just drags me down and I go further and further up on the scale.

I weigh today more than I did at the beginning of the year. So right now this is my objective: To end the year weighing less than I did at the end of last year. That's all I want, even if it's by 0.01kg.

I don't feel like writing another 'I'm not too well' post, but I just wanted to write as I haven't in week---I'm trying to be regular, at least once a week...

Yeah, I'm not feeling too good. I have this sort of cold thing going on, and the meds make me super drowsy! It's been a hard week at work because all I've wanted is to sleep. I'm glad tomorrow's Friday.

Nonetheless, Monday and Tuesday I went to the killer aerobics. Man, those guys and girls can really drill, it's more like boot camp than regular aerobics. I had to skip yesterday because I felt I would be too tired to do anything worth the time. I'm going back today though. Pity it's only Mon thru Thursday. I'll do a personal walk on Friday and there are a couple of walks I know about this weekend for Cancer Awareness Month, of which I'll choose one to do if I end up not travelling (big possibility that I'm not going). So I'll have had a week to be proud of. Hoping that next week will be another one and I just keep doing the same week after week!

As far as the eating part --- I'm really trying. I've scaled back my carbs some, and always add more veges to my plate. However, I've had this weird hunger that hits late morning along with the drowsiness. I've been ignoring it since I would've had my mid-morning fruit snack, and then I go home for a nutritious lunch. Yeah, I've been lazy and haven't been packing lunch to bring to work for quite a while now, then I'd drive out to get lunch from home or sometimes buy, but it's a bit heavy on the gas, and my pocket when I do go buy. So, I'm thinking of ways to stop. Of course, there's only one answer, pre-make lunches for the week and just grab and go in the morning. I've done it before, so I certainly can do it again.

Anyway, I'm just praying that this cold leave me sooner rather than later, I hate being sick, ugh.

It's October and I'm sick...

How did we get here???! I just can't even how quickly this year has gone by, no matter how much I try to rationalize it, and think back to what I've done/been through, it's still gone by too fast.

Today, I'm not well. I was ok coming into work this morning, but now I'm sneezing, blocked nostrils, teary eyes, everything that screams, cold! But it has to go away because I haev a trip this weekend. My body took quite a beating this past two weeks, and I understand how weak it may be, but I also need it to be healthy to keep me going...

I had planned to start October out strong, but being so busy and tired I'm not quite where I wanted to be. I'm trying though, and I'm crossing my fingers that by next week I'll be ticking everything off of my list. That should feel good, and should set the mood for the rest of the year.

From end of September starts the 'holiday season' for me. With all the long weekends and celebrations these last 3 months of the year are just a mine field that could see me beginning 2012 worse for wear. I'm thankful that we don't 'celebrate' halloween here, don't think I can handle the candy. The American community here invites us local employees, but it's better to not go. Thanksgiving is the same, but I choose to celebrate it with my family, and I know I can control myself. Then comes christmas, and all the December birthdays!

I'm staying strong though.

I fell!

So the other day I met up with a group of my girlfriends, 4 of them being new mothers (all babies under 9 months old). Obviously the topic of baby weight came up at some point. I have to admit, child-bearing is such a nasty thing when it comes to weight issues; all these girls, though having been pretty little things before the babies now all need to lose a considerable amount of weight! Ugh.

I found out that 2 of them had started doing aerobics at a military gym --- well, a gym in a military camp about 15 minutes drive away from my house. They spoke of the intensity, etc. and one was saying how she ran away because it was all too much for her. But me being hardcore me, that didn't scare and I wanted to see for myself. And at only 20 bucks a month (less than a tenth of what I would pay at the gym I've been intending to join next week) I couldn't pass it up. I decided I would try it and if it doesn't work then I would go to the original gym.

So, yesterday another friend and I decided to go. Oh, was it intense!!! Unfortunately I missed the beginning of the class, and when I walked in they were really moving. Then we stopped and people dispersed...I was surprised because I heard the classes were 1 hour long, but I thought there was a chance it was over because I WAS TIRED! But nope, that was just the warm up!!! Lol. But guess what, I stuck it out. I stayed for the whoel class though I was just dragging myself towards the end.

Then the cool down/stretching part came and we had to pair up. Luckily I ended up pairing with someone I was comfortable with, size-wise. But it was hard for us to find balance during the stretches. At one point we were each holding each other's leg up, and when we could stand up straight I let her go so we could start over, but she wouldn't let my leg go! I repeatedly asked her to let go but she raised my leg even higher, till I fell on my bum. Stupid woman.

So that was my first day there. But, I wasn't one bit embarassed! I'm not ashamed to go back, and if it wasn't that I'm feeling so tired from the work out adn late night yesterday I would go back today. But I'll skip and go tomorrow.

Another Monday

Just can't be bothered to work up a title...
What ever happened to September?
I know it's been a busy month but to think there are only 4 more days and we'll be onto the last quarter of 2011 feels seriously ridiculous. Some say it's a sign of aging... Oh well.

So, what's up for the last quater of the year?
- Definitely going back to gym as soon as I'm back from long weekend!

That's about all I can honestly commit to at the moment. Everything else has loose plans that may or may not stick. I'll update as everything works out.

 The weekend was ok, but Sunday I had a hangover, first time I ever felt like that. Didn't want to do anything after the cake delivery early in the afternoon. I just vegged out for the rest of the day...

Now it's Monday and I'm back at work. And as usually happens, I'm trying something which I hope may soon be made into a routine. Lol. Hope it amounts to something this tiem because I badly need it.

A - Z of ME...

A - Z of ME....

Something fun to do...let's not focus on the failing journey for once! Found this on 4ATHOMEJ's blog  (A Little Less...Of Me) and thought why not play!?

 

A. Age - 33 (34 in Dec) --- I don't know when I'll start owning it!
B. Bed size - Queen

C. Chore you dislike - Laundry, by hand

D. Dogs - none. I had a puppy when I was little but don't think I can deal with the energy it takes to keep one plus a little boy!

E. Essential start to your day - Made up bed

F. Favorite color - White and black together

G. Gold or silver - Silver
H. Height - 5'4"
I. Instruments you play(ed) - drum

J. Job title - For which job?? Main income is from Lab Quality Manager one.

K. Kids - 1 boy

L. Live - Gaborone, Botswana

M. Mom's name - Nyaladzi

N. Nicknames - Oh and Khali

O. Overnight hospital stays - only 2 - when I was in a car accident and when I had my son.

P. Pet peeves - Ugh, broken promises, why promise??
Q.Quote from a movie - I'm also just a girl, standing in front of a guy....etc. - Julia Roberts to Hugh Grant in Nottinghill.

R. Righty or Lefty - Righty
S. Siblings - 3 - 2 younger brothers and 1 younger sister
T. Time you wake up - Anywhere between 5.25 and 6.30am on weekdays, later on free  weekends.
U. Underwear - all the time, different types

V. Vegetables you don't like - brussel sprouts and asparagus

W. What makes you run late - I'm naturally slow?

X. X-rays you've had - I remember chest, foot, and back after car accident

Y. Yummy food you make - cakes and other baked stuff

Z. Zoo animal favorites - don't know

 

Just being

Honestly I'm tired. Physically right now, but what I'm talking about is that I am just tired of tring and trying to lose weight. Day in and day out worrying about what, when and how to eat, what, if any exercise to do, etc. I'm just sick of it all. I'm sick of worrying about binges and high calories and wanting but failing to stick with a diet long enough to see a change. It's got to stop.

So. I throw in the towel. I'm going to stop fighting with myself everyday. I just need to sort myself out and figure out how to take care of myself without fighting with my natural desires or tendencies. I just want to make peace with myself and my body. I want to bring a kinship between my body and my mind. Perhaps then I can address the weight issues in a healthier non-obsessive manner.

Do you know anyone who weighs themself everyday, every single morning? Hoping to see a loss even though they know they ate crappily the day before, or even the whole week before? I'm sure in a psychologist's book that carries some meaning...so I want to explore that. I think I mentioned before that I want to seek help; I intend to, I just haven't made the first step because I've been so busy lately. But I've taken the first step - I've admitted that I have a problem well beyond my capabilities to solve.  Now I just need to make a call and make an appointment.

But besides the weight issues, it's been busy. Sometimes fun, other times not. The most fun I've had lately was attending the wedding expo in Jo'burg, South Africa, this past weekend! It made me wish I was planning my wedding - the beauty of all on display...I could just swoon over it. Good times.

Spring has sprung!

So goes my ' blog bling'. I started using this template waaaayy before spring, because I was just sick and tired and was longing for spring. But now...Spring really has sprung! It is nice and warm and I'm confident that it's going to stay this way and get warmer. It's unfortunate that it will get reaaaaally hot in a couple of weeks, or less. Still prefer warm to cold weather though :)

So, it was winter. First  I stopped walking outside because it was too dark in the morning  - but I also pretended I didn't have a treadmill, kind of - I didn't use it after all. Then I stopped going to the gym when I was not well for a couple of weeks - but two weeks ran into 2 months. Then I just threw caution to the wind and kind of forgot everything about being healthy - Eating when I want and not working out at all. Then I started a liquid diet - which lasted 2 weeks, but gave visible results in that short period! But then, I lost and here I am.

That was August. Very short. Busy. No way to really define it in terms of my health. My highest was on the 2nd of August, my lowest on the 15th or so. But of course the month is ending at a higher weight than my lowest. Though I'm happy to say I lost 5+ pounds this month, I can't say I feel any healthier than I did at the beginning of the month.

So I want September to be different - I want to end it healthier than today. I'm travelling 3 weekends in September, and my cake business is really picking up. But I'm going to really really try to work around these and any other obstacles and come out on the other side prouder of myself than I am today.

So, here's to September:
- Continue morning walks started on Monday
- Make a plan to return to gym
- Taste the cakes - this is improtant - but do not eat all the off cuts
- Bake for business, but if needed for the family make it healthy.
- Continue the breakfast and luch plans
- Seriously look at and plan dinners.

OMG, nothing fits!!

Ok, maybe not nothing, but it's definitely notable. This morning was a total disaster! You know how when seasons change you start having trouble with what to wear and may even have to go shopping for a new wardrobe? That's usually just because you haven't been wearing the clothes for the different weather and now it's like relearning your clothes and having to create new outfits out of your wardrobe all over again.

But no, not for me. For work it's really easy, I have a few skirts that I rotate with several tops, so it's not that difficult identifying outfit for warmer weather now that it's warming up. So I was all excited this morning to dive in a pick that top with that skirt. Only to find......nope, it doesn't look nearly as ok as it used to! Oh no. So I tried on another combination - same story. And another, and another!

My winter clothes have been hiding stuff that has nowhere to hide now that it's warm! But I refuse to go shopping becuase I do not have the budget for all the clothes I would need to buy. I'll have to do something to ensure that I have stuff to wear this spring/summer. So, It's on. Seriously, it is; I know I've said that a lot in the past and having nothing to show...but I really am going to make sure that I can comfortably put on my clothes and walk out of the house.

Self discipline

"Do what you should do, when you should do it, whether you like it or not" - Thomas Huxley.

I see that as the perfect definition of self discipline. What it communicates to me is that life should have no excuses. Just do what should be done at the the time it should be done, period. If only it was that easy. I truly believe all my life's problems, or at least the root of most of my life's problems stems from my low level of self discipline. I can't eat only as much as I need to sustain good health, I can't work out as often or as much as I need to to attain a desirable state of health - if I'm going to focus on the topics for this blog only, otherwise I could go on and on, for example, I don't stay out of the store when I don't have a spending budget, so I spend money I should be saving...

Anyway, going back to the quote, I was on a liquid diet the last time I posted. I had intended to stay on it until today, I think that made 4 eeks, and I should be seeing a huge difference by now. But me being me, no self discipline at all, I parted with it 2 weeks ago, only 2 weeks in, so though I was fortunate to have attained a small loss that I have sustained up to now, I could have done much better.

But knowing all this, especially admitting to myself that 'most of my life's problems - big and small alike - stem from a lack of discipline,' why can't I make myself 'just do it', whatever it is at the time? I suppose the answer becomes the same, self discipline. I don't know if it's something I can overcome on my own, looking at how long I have been 'playing this game'. I've tried diet after diet, and tried gym after gym, different work outs, at home, and the only reason I haven't seen success or even any amount of progress is that I severely lack self-discipline. I can not commit to anything for any length of time for the same reason.

I think it's time I sought help in that regard. I am going to commit to this one. For once I'll be disciplined enough to seek help when I need it.

Liquid is hard

I'm not in a blogging frame of mind, but I want to blog...is that contradictory? Anyways, I've been on the liquid diet for just over a week now. Wow, it is hard. Hard. And it has made me realized that my relationship with food is way beyond hunger issues. I can drink, and drink and have a full stomach, yet I would crave food, any food. I would want to bite on something and chew it. So, this is going to be a real challenge, but one that I'm ready to face head on.
I'm hoping for weight loss, which I've seen a little of so far. But I may not get the results I hope for, but still I'm hopeful. It's difficult to stick to just fluids, so I've snuck in some soft solids. I'm trying to work on that as much as possible. But mostly, it's the calories I'm worried about. It would be very disappointing to not get results after going through this, because really, why not just eat anything if I'm going to stay the same. I wish that question would pop up each time I'm tempted to go over the limit for anything.
Well, that was really condensed, but that's how I'm feeling. And it's just me anyways.

I miss you

All thsi time that I've been away, not only have I not been posting on my blog, but I haven't been reading other blogs either. I miss it, I miss you my blog friends. I miss knowing what's going on in your worlds. Even those that are not even aware that I read your blogs, I miss you.

Hopefully one day I'll get internet at home, then I may be abel to read on a regular interval again. And get motivated again.

About me - I did the deed. I've started a liquid diet, and right now it's on a trial basis - like I'm not sure how long I plan to stay on it, and I'm still trying out different things to see what I like to drink that is also healthy.

Oh, by the way, I haven't been going to gym, been too busy on the business front, but things have slowed down and I should be able to go back now. However, I still want to get used to the liquid diet before I add gym back. I may possibly start my morning walks in the next week before I take the exercise to the gym. I realise that I need lots fo resistance training though if I'm going to lose weight on the liquid diet, because I need to firm up as I lose weight. I wouldn't want the effects of a liquid diet without exercise.better start as soon as tomorrow morning then.

That's that for now.

She lives...

Indeed I'm alive. I know I said I can't keep up with a regular updating schedule, but I didn't mean I'll be posting just once a month. I need to keep this blog alive and post on a semi-regular frequency so that I can be able to look back one day and put the pieces together and be able to get an idea of what was going on in my life, especially with regards to the weight business.

On that note, since I have been away from the blog I haven't been good to myself, at all. Shocker, right? Even to me. I saw this quote somewhere- The state of your life is a reflection of the state of your mind. It really resonated with me, I look at myself and I think I am this way because I am not able to control my mind. My emotions drive me, and that is reflected all around me. I've been trying get myself and things in order, and I'm succeeding in some ways but not others.

By the way, I've officially launched my cake business. Finally. I love baking and decorating cakes. Unfortunately I also like eating cake. So, while I need the extra income, I do not need the effects this business may have on my health if I am not careful. So I haev decided to go drastic at least for this month. I'm going to stop eating cake, or anything for that matter - if I don't chicken out anyway. If all goes according to plan, tomorrow (or sometime this week) I'm starting a liquid diet. I HAVE TO. Hopefully when I've reached a weight I feel comfortable at, not that I'm not saying when I have lost .... pounds or kgs, or even when I'm thin, when I've reached a comfortable weight, I hope I may care enough to not indulge myself willy-nilly. As it is, at this appears the mindset is something along the lives of 'what's an extra kg, it won't show'...and that has got to stop. That's the motivation for going liquid-diet drastic.

In a nut-shell, that's enough to tell the state of affairs at this point...

I give up

I just have no option but to give up on the secret dream to update the blog on a regular basis, so I'll just blog when and as I can, or when I feel up to it.

So, see ya!

By the way, I'm doing ok, rocking the maintenance - which of course is not what I want - but at least I'm not going in the wrong direction. Hopefully my next post will be way more positive than that.

Now, really, see you later!