Monday, April 6, 2015

Oh time...

Oh you fly! A whole third of 2015 has gone by already. This bothers me a lot. It bothers me almost as much as the fact that instead of losing weight as is my intention, I have actually gained weight in 2015.

I feel stuck. I was making good progress in February, but then my trainer started skipping appointments until I decided to part ways with him. Then my travelling (for work) intensified and I didn't have a plan for working out while travelling yet. And then I just stopped going to gym completely. And then I started eating anything, anyhow...

I long for the day I will be able to sustain a program. But looking at old blogs, almost everyone gains back the weight at some point. How discouraging. At this moment I don't feel any motivation to claim that I could escape being part of the statistics. I do not want to lie. I just feel like giving up. But there's still that spark of hope within me. I watch tv shows about people losing weight by giving up whole summers to focus on weight loss alone, I watch shows about bariatric surgery, etc. I wish I could just take one of these routes.
I even went as far as researching the prices for bariatric surgery. And it turns out I can afford it. But do I really want to go that route? Can I handle the restriction? In my heart of hearts I know I wouldn't be able to deal my whole life. If I could do it, lose weight and then reverse the procedure, I would likely jump at the chance. Then there's the issue of loose skin...that'll mean I need further surgery after weight loss. Am I willing to face the loose skin in the first place? And then, the cost of the surgery...

So, to be honest, I am here, with hope in my heart.  But seemingly not enough motivation to get going. I know what to do, but I just can't do it. I'm tired of self-blame, I'm also tired of being tired. I wish I could just check into a fat camp for a year.

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