Tuesday, April 28, 2015

One day

Always, one day is one day. I know it. I feel it in my blood. Something will click. The procrastination will fall off. My spirit will respond to 2 Samuel 3:18 - Now then do it!

One day. This lifetime.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

What will it take?

This is the grand question...why do I want to lose weight???
What motivates me to even want to lose weight?
Why haven't I lost weight already?
What would be enough motivation to make me get serious about weight loss?

There are so many, so many reasons why I should want to lose weight. Why I should be losing weight. Why I should be working harder on weight loss. Why I should have already lost weight.
From very serious reasons to plain vanity, but I'm still not motivated enough to lose this mentality of starting again tomorrow, on Monday, or just not today or right now.

What will it take??? When will that be?

I found myself bargaining with myself the other day, that if by the year I turn 40, which is quite near actually, if I haven't lost weight, then I will get some form of bariatric surgery. This just shows how much or rather how little to no motivation I have to lose weight right now.

Though my heart of hearts wants it so much...

This life.

Monday, April 6, 2015

Oh time...

Oh you fly! A whole third of 2015 has gone by already. This bothers me a lot. It bothers me almost as much as the fact that instead of losing weight as is my intention, I have actually gained weight in 2015.

I feel stuck. I was making good progress in February, but then my trainer started skipping appointments until I decided to part ways with him. Then my travelling (for work) intensified and I didn't have a plan for working out while travelling yet. And then I just stopped going to gym completely. And then I started eating anything, anyhow...

I long for the day I will be able to sustain a program. But looking at old blogs, almost everyone gains back the weight at some point. How discouraging. At this moment I don't feel any motivation to claim that I could escape being part of the statistics. I do not want to lie. I just feel like giving up. But there's still that spark of hope within me. I watch tv shows about people losing weight by giving up whole summers to focus on weight loss alone, I watch shows about bariatric surgery, etc. I wish I could just take one of these routes.
I even went as far as researching the prices for bariatric surgery. And it turns out I can afford it. But do I really want to go that route? Can I handle the restriction? In my heart of hearts I know I wouldn't be able to deal my whole life. If I could do it, lose weight and then reverse the procedure, I would likely jump at the chance. Then there's the issue of loose skin...that'll mean I need further surgery after weight loss. Am I willing to face the loose skin in the first place? And then, the cost of the surgery...

So, to be honest, I am here, with hope in my heart.  But seemingly not enough motivation to get going. I know what to do, but I just can't do it. I'm tired of self-blame, I'm also tired of being tired. I wish I could just check into a fat camp for a year.