Thursday, June 9, 2011

This is for myself, and for my son...

I think I should print this post I wrote about 2 years ago and read it each time I'm going through a tough time...

"Anywho. Still struggling with this. It's getting harder and harder, and I realise this is because I am not pleased with the rate at which things are happenning. I look at myself on the mirror many many times, and wish things looked different. The thing is, I always ask myself when did this happen? OK, as the story has been told over and over by me, I've been a big girl sincc my early teens, but tolerable big, to me anyway. But now all of a sudden after I had my baby things just spiralled out of control, I didn't see it happen, the moment when I should have told myself I need to stop didn't occur until it was really late. Of course I do recall a lot of the times that I overindulged in all the terrible things, and how can I forget not being active at all? But still, why couldn't the weight gain come such that I could stop before I got here? It's like I gained overnight, it's really weird.

 Right now I don't want much. All I want is to go back to my pre-pregnancy weight. I was much happier then. I was healthier. I could run and run on the treadmill. I could do the elliptical without being winded too quickly. Stairs were not an issue, of course not too many flights. But now it's a whole other issue. I wish it was easy to commit to a food plan, to an exercise plan, to not feel like giving up. Giving up seems like the easiest option, sometimes even the best option. But what about not feeling so good, what about the shame, excuses, terrible fitting clothes, sitting out of activities, etc. That hurts, so I do not want to give up. It crops up in my mind a lot, but it really is not an option for me right now. I want to be healthy. I want to be a star mom to my son. And he's growing up so quickly. Soon he'll able to understand fat and thin, and I do not want him growing up unhealthy because that's what he learned from his mother.

So here I am. Sad. That it's so hard. Yet willing to do the work. I think I'm lazy by nature, but I'm really willing to work a bit harder for this. I think I'm messed up too. My relationship with food is something I've thought about a lot, something my control over wavered from great to none through time. I'm working on this too. These days I stop before taking a piece of bread to eat the minute I get home before dinner, *before grabbing a banana before breakfast, before drinking milk or juice just because I want to. I hope this sticks, at least until my mind really knows that's what should happen each time.

I need help. Divine help. I pray for help with this matter. It really is beyond me. So I leave it all up to the Lord, because He has plans for me. But also, I know He helps those who help themselves, so I'll still try. Knowing he'll give me all the tools I need to deal with this. Faith. Faith. Faith. This I have in abundance. And I know, with God, nothing is impossible.
This is for myself, and for my son."

*Edited to remove a portion that was duplicated during the 'cut&paste'... June 13,2011

1 comment:

  1. What a wonderful post! Our boys really deserve the best we can muster, don't they?