I'm trying

Something has clicked, far far away a pin fell to the ground and I heard the sound of it, far in the distance.
Where before I just sat and worked all day and ate whatever my hands and/or eyes fell upon, lately I have been standing up and walking around, and doing some body weight exercises, and I've been a bit 'choosier' with my food.
Yep, the flame is there, even if it only just a small flicker, it is there.
I'm going to keep trying, I know I will gain momentum. One day is one day. It will never be over. I'm never throwing in the towel. I will take it one day at a time, I will keep getting up each time I fall. I will keep trying.

I must

My grandmother passed away in April and we laid her to rest on May 2nd. She was always overweight, as long as I've known her anyway. Eventually she developed hypertension and diabetes, and it was complications to do with them that took her. What I always admired about her was how she controlled her eating. She abstained from so much; she didn't drink tea or coffee, except for herbal teas, her food was cooked without oil or fat, salt and she didn't take sugar. So, there was absolutely no junk in her food. She avoided red meat and ate only chicken and fish. She'd made so many sacrifices and I'm quite sure that if she had just kept eating anyhow, she would've left us long before she did.


I was one of the speakers at her funeral, representing the grandkids. After talking about her, I made an announcement that I was going to adopt her healthy eating lifestyle, in front of a huge huge crowd of family, friends, and even strangers (to me). So, having made such a public pronouncement, I must live up to it.


I must. Something has got to give!

One day

Always, one day is one day. I know it. I feel it in my blood. Something will click. The procrastination will fall off. My spirit will respond to 2 Samuel 3:18 - Now then do it!


One day. This lifetime.

What will it take?

This is the grand question...why do I want to lose weight???
What motivates me to even want to lose weight?
Why haven't I lost weight already?
What would be enough motivation to make me get serious about weight loss?


There are so many, so many reasons why I should want to lose weight. Why I should be losing weight. Why I should be working harder on weight loss. Why I should have already lost weight.
From very serious reasons to plain vanity, but I'm still not motivated enough to lose this mentality of starting again tomorrow, on Monday, or just not today or right now.


What will it take??? When will that be?


I found myself bargaining with myself the other day, that if by the year I turn 40, which is quite near actually, if I haven't lost weight, then I will get some form of bariatric surgery. This just shows how much or rather how little to no motivation I have to lose weight right now.


Though my heart of hearts wants it so much...


This life.

Oh time...

Oh time...how you fly! A whole third of 2015 has gone by already. This bothers me a lot. It bothers me almost as much as the fact that instead of losing weight as is my intention, I have actually gained weight in 2015.


I feel stuck. I was making good progress in February, but then my trainer started skipping appointments until I decided to part ways with him. Then my travelling (for work) intensified and I didn't have a plan for working out while travelling yet. And then I just stopped going to gym completely. And then I started eating anything, anyhow...


I long for the day I will be able to sustain a program. But looking at old blogs, almost everyone gains back the weight at some point. How discouraging. At this moment I don't feel any motivation to claim that I could escape being part of the statistics. I do not want to lie. I just feel like giving up. But there's still that spark of hope within me. I watch tv shows about people losing weight by giving up whole summers to focus on weight loss alone, I watch shows about bariatric surgery, etc. I wish I could just take one of these routes.
I even went as far as researching the prices for bariatric surgery. And it turns out I can afford it. But do I really want to go that route? Can I handle the restriction? In my heart of hearts I know I wouldn't be able to deal my whole life. If I could do it, lose weight and then reverse the procedure, I would likely jump at the chance. Then there's the issue of loose skin...that'll mean I need further surgery after weight loss. Am I willing to face the loose skin in the first place? And then, the cost of the surgery...


So, to be honest, I am here, with hope in my heart.  But seemingly not enough motivation to get going. I know what to do, but I just can't do it. I'm tired of self-blame, I'm also tired of being tired. I wish I could just check into a fat camp for a year.

5 February 2015

It is the 5th of Feb 2015!! Already. How sobering...now if only that feeling could stay with me long enough to make a difference in me :(

I am regretful of the fact that I didn't post anything since Jan 15th, but atleast I had thoughts to do it the whole time. I spend most days working on the computer and do read some blogs, but for some reason putting up new posts doesn't make it to the top of my priority list often.

Anyway, here's an update...

Weighing in
I had planned to weigh in weekly here, but I've decided not to yet. My weight fluctuates madly from day to day. I think the foods I eat are to blame for water retention, etc, that cause me to weigh more on some days. So, my plan is to wait until I see a more stable curve to the weigh ins before posting. My daily weigh ins sometimes have 2 -4 pounds differences, I never know which to trust.

Working out
Yes! One area that I can celebrate!! I've never been one to shy away from exercise, but over the past couple of years I didn't the motivation to exercise like before, whoch is the main reason for the major weight gain that happened. I don't believe my eating changed much, so I can only blame not exercising for the gains.
My personal trainer has been working me haaaarrrddd!! I'm so glad for the investment and don't regret the money spent one bit. I work out multiple times that I would ever do on my own. So I will be keeping him for as long as possible. I also like the fact that there's a plan to follow rather than me rocking up to the gym and just jumping on the treadmill, cycle. elliptical and weight machines without a structured plan.

Food
This is where my biggest struggle has always been and where it is still. Here's the thing...there are soooo many plans to follow out there!! And I find myself floundering between them. Somebody needs to make up my mind for me. I think if I had a chef and he just delivered the right meal for me at meal time I would fare well. I've thought to fast intermittently, to eat low fat, low carb, low calories, high fat low carb, metabolistic, etc.
I know ultimately I have to plan something I can sustain long term, but I am still struggling...that's all I can share right now.

Buying torture - personal trainer

So I've hired a personal trainer. We started working together this Monday and am I ever glad I finally took this step...At some point I convinced myself that I can pick a workout program off of the internet and follow it by myself, so I don't exactly need a personal trainer. But now I know what a huge difference a personal trainer makes --- I have worked this week more than I ever have before in my life! I'm quite sure that my workouts have been more than twice as hard as I've done by myself. So, that was a very good move that I will not soon go back on.

The plan is to workout Monday through Saturday for at least 1 hour in the morning. And coupled with the meal plan he supplied me with, which I intend to follow as closely as possible, I'm quite sure that 'results will follow'!

I decided to forgo Tonys' dietbet and instead put the money towards personal training. I'm more sure of results through personal training than through Dietbet, so for now I won't be dietbetting, except if perhaps there was a local group doing some variation of it.

I also intend to start weighing in on the blog. I do weigh in everyday, I have been for the past several years, not that it has been helpful. So, I will weigh in once a week and from time to time post progress pictures. Yes, progress pictures because I will make progress!

Dietbet??

It's January 7th and I have yet to sit myself down and set myself fitness goals. I really do want to lose weight this year and know that without set goals for activities and diet I will not be losing any weight.

I've been tossing different ideas around, such as talking to some ladies about starting a fitness group, going back on Sparkpeople, etc. Just something to get me some mojo. The current winning idea, which I can still do along with others is to join a Dietbet. I have been on Dietbet before and actually won, before rejoining and losing all my previous winnings. So, I know with the right mindset it is a great tool to push weight loss goals.

So far, I am eyeing Tony's Dietbet which starts tomorrow, January 8th. Actually, I'm deciding right now that I will do it. So, yes, Dietbet!

Still considering a group though...

Jan 1st, 2015...Dare I try again??

Here's the thing...no goals =  no failure. Shameful really. But after so many trials and failures, that is how I feel. Eeven with the new year signalling new beginnings and a chance to try again, I just feel so afraid of yet another failure, another crash.

Yet, I will try again. I can not promise to recommit fully to blogging about this new experience, or to giving any details to what I am doing. But I do know I will periodically come on here to decompress or something like that. I may blog often, I may not, and it is all ok.

Bottom line, the spark is still there. The desire is there. I ask for God's help and guidance through 2015. I pray for myself, for success, even if it is limited. I wish I was more fired up, but this is enough...

Here's to 2015 and new hopes!